Who needs friends, anyway?

One would think that a name like Ignacio Cumberbottomwich would be a social curse, never mind that the boy who it belonged to was also several latitudes south of both handsome or clever. But Ignacio was wealthy so none of those things mattered.

He was also famous for his role in Shareglock and Daughter Deranged, both as the eponymous characters. He was just like Benadryl Cucumberpatch, just Mexican. Whenever people had trouble pronouncing his name he would insist they call him Nacho Cucumber. It’s a lot better that way.

The Mexico City tabloids ate it up, he could do no wrong in their eyes. But his jokes and glad-handing were an act engineered by the film studio. Privately, he despised the nickname.

But he couldn’t convince people to call him by his real name either. Not Julio Esteban Ignacio Corazon Belize Macarena de la Felize Fidel Juan Marie Capisce Tapioca Joaquin San Miralda Quentin Godel Pietro Interino Jafar al Nassim Youssef Mahmet. No can do, he thought, no can do…

This was something he was used to, however. Every teacher he'd had would either call him "Joe" or "Jules" for short, and they didn't even bother with his many middle and surnames. As for his friends? Well, they simply avoided addressing him by name. Explains why they never called

him. The only time he got calls was from telemarketers. They never got his name right, either. He was so lonely, though, that he bought everything they sold & donated to every charity they proclaimed just so he could talk to someone about the events of the day.