Pedants for Breakfast in the Apocalypse

She looked down at the list—half the names had already been crossed off.

“Typical”, she said. “You only come to me when the problem is completely out of control!” She started gathering her supplies: an ultraviolet flashlight, a travel chemistry set, a crossbow, and sharpie markers in 5 different colors. “You drive!”

“I don’t have a license” she looked at me with disappointed eyes…”we are in the middle of an apocalyptic caos, do you really think a cop will pull you over and ask for your license?”…three minutes later I was trying to explain that same thing to the cops.

"This is for speeding," the cop said, handing me a ticket, "I'll look past the," but suddenly his top half was gone, replaced with a line of massive teeth and purple feathers. The head of the T-Rex cocked back and roared. Things had definitely gone from bad to worse.

"At least this rex has feathers," I said. "Scientifically accurate," added the cop's partner. "Well," I said, "it's possible rexes were too massive to have a heavy coat, like how elephants have hair, but it's too sparse to see—" I didn't get to finish because the T. rex ate me.

"Well," I thought to myself as I slid, high on adrenaline and semi-mangled with various missing (or nearby) appendages, down the beast's gullet - a sensation not entirely dissimilar to removing a warm snot-marinated wetsuit during a vehicle collision, "I wasn't expecting that"!