To Those Who Are About to Croc: We Salute You

“Alright team,” the captain said, making it clear with two words that she had elected herself captain and no one else was even close to being in consideration. “We have a lot of work to do. Right now this party barge is neither a party nor a barge.” Elise raised her hand. “Yes?”

"Would you, Captain, call it a soiree canoe? How about a celebration raft? A jamboree kayak? No?" The captain grimaced and said "get the plank!"

The pirates hooted and hollered as the plank was laid, its far end teasing doom. "I don't really have to, do I?" I asked. "Yep," said the Cap'n. "You made 'Oops All Crunchberries', you walk the plank." "But, Cap'n!" I protested, "I'm allergic to shark bites & jellyfish stings!"

“Not my problem, mate!” The Cap’n snickered with a sinister smirk nestled in his disarrayed beard. “Walk the plank… else Jack here ‘ll help ye along!”

“Fuck you.” I said, and i farted out into the sky. “Black magic!!” The Captain scoffed, “shoot him with the cannons!”. I grabbed a green hat out of my ass, and put it on my head! The crocodiles watched in awe, with their jaws wide open.

“I am your lizard king!” I exclaimed and dove into the water, joining my reptile brethren. Before fully submerged I lashed my tongue out, knocking the captain off balance. She grasped futilely toward the plank before falling off the ship into a crowded sea of hungry, sharp maws.