Let’s Get Beached

I sidled up to the bar. "I'll take a Swollen Headbanger on the Beach." The bartender looked at me funny. It's not a complicated drink: in a highball glass, you mix one shot of Fireball Cinnamon Whisky,

Seven pitted olives, 3 ounces brandy, five ounces cherry Kool-ade, 5 ounces Prosecco. Shake and serve in a chilled beer mug, garnished with half a scotch bonnet pepper. Traditionally, the bartender says “rock on” before you take your first gulp of the drink.

What possessed me to order a cocktail called Garbage Slick? I smiled at the mixologist and took my first sip. It burned. Looking down I realized hadn’t made a dent in the novelty-sized glass with 'down the hatch' written on one side.

So I went to ask the bartender if there was anything funny about it or what I was missing. The tall thin man in black sat at the bar, his back almost to me as he sipped his drinks on a leather chair in the corner.

He glanced my way dismissively. Avoiding eye contact. “What’s the deal here, man?” I asked. The tall thin man turned around. “It’s all a game” he whispered. The tone of his voice was in grave contrast to the laughter in the room. He quickly got up and left the bar.

"A game..." I thought to myself. "Well I'm here to win." I crawled into a standing position atop my stool and addressed the crowd. "Hello all! Who's ready to party!" With that I tossed my cowboy hat into their confused faces and did my best macarena.

Somebody walks up to me. "What about Joe". I said, "Who's Joe". I realized what I had done immediately. "JOE MAMA", I fell over, passing on to the next life, hoping, not to be EPICLY REKT in my next life. I died doing the macarena, of embarrassment.

I passed through a tunnel of brilliant white light only to come out on a beach, still doing the marcarena. I was surrounded by a group of native folk in brilliantly colored clothing and headdresses. Three men beat drums in time to my dancing. The women laid food at my feet. I was

So exited to see everyone doing the dance with me. For the first time in years I felt alive, although I wasn’t sure I was. That tunnel and that white light at the end made me doubt. I think that beach was heaven and I was dancing like crazy with angels...or it was hell..?

How was one supposed to know? And now that I think about it, how did I end up on the beach? It was as if time was no longer linear... The dancing though... it’s so great. Would you care to join me?