All Chonks Eve

Sit back in your coziest chair, in front of your warmest hearth, and prepare yourself for this most ghoulish tale of one feline's harrowing journey from chonk to fine boi—cause oh lawd it's comin'.

"My journey began", quoth Sir MegaMeows, "within the year 2010 and I was diagnosed with onset kitty Diabeetus. I set upon a plan to loose 2 stone by Octoberfest that year". The cat cycled through "Catogenic", "Catkins" and "Pescatarian" diets, but the kilos did not melt away.

As he was reminiscing, the cat's mind stumbled upon an old memory he had not returned to for many years. It was of his first fling, the beautiful and buxom Miss Fanny Feline. They had shared a happenstance bowl of Fancy Feast on New Year's eve, minutes before the mouse dropped.

Just thinking about that night he could taste the classic ocean pâté with tuna that they had dined on. He didn’t typically indulge in tuna due to the high mercury levels, but He would have done anything for Miss Fanny. She had his whole heart from the moment he laid eyes on her.

As he devoured the mercury-laden chicken of the sea he pictured Miss Fanny and their life together, but his mouth became as dry as the desert. An idea suddenly took hold. He’d add Mayo and celery. He had a chicken salad of the sea. He was ready.

His muscles now firing on all cylinders thanks to the protein rich pre-competition meal, he stepped on to the stage and heard the announcers call: "Boy and girl cats and kittens, making his 3rd and final attempt at 150kg on the clean and jerk, Mr. Whiskers."

He giggled. But this was no time for his middle school sense of humor. He had worked his tail off (his tail actually having fallen off due to a kettlebell accident last summer) to get to this moment. He wrapped his paws around the barbell and lifted.

Initially, he struggled to gain his balance. As he had learned, Tails are an essential tool for maintaining balance, especially during a stunt like this.

He zigged and zagged, and tumbled and pranced - quite an elegant display for a half Ch0nk. His confidence brimmed as he stuck the landing when ::BAM:: a Jack-o-lantern with an anatomically accurate carving of a Ch0nker crashed into his side. In a daze, his attacker came in view.

It couldn't be! Michelangelo himself? The party dude?! And where was he getting those pumpkins?

I nervously approached the turtle with the dual nunchaku and my favorite member of TMNT. "Cowabunga!" I exclaimed, raising my hand in hopes that a high five - or, well a high three - might be possible. I wasn't prepared for how he reacted.

My mind wandered. I dreamed of blue turtles.

And I was in my childhood home with my family..even though it wasn't my childhood home and that wasn't my family. Weird dream. It always happens when I have lasagna before bed. And there was this ginarmous cat...or maybe it was just the furriest cat I've ever seen.

I slowly picked myself up and entered a deep stretch, blinking lazily at the food bowl on the other side of the room. With a flick of my tail, I sauntered towards it. Upon arrival, I noticed that the bottom of the bowl was slightly visible. Oh heyl naw. "MMMEEEOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWW!"

I attacked that night as he slept, depositing my girth over his face. He would’ve been able to toss off a fine boi with ease, but he had no chance against this megachonk. His wife walked in on the gruesome scene and let out a final lament as I set upon her. “Oh lawd, he comin”.