The Secret Weapons’ Archive

Part 38: “The Tofu of Doom” Gerald sat on the hood of his ‘67 GTO and chewed his gum. “I say there, my compadres,” he said. “What say we go to the Asian store and purchase some tofu. I have a serious jones for it.” Little did they know that the store only sold expired tofu, which

... unleashed a powerful bacteria with a 50% fatality rate. "Sounds good Gerald," said his friend Scarlet. "Let's go for it." Within an hour they were staring at the luscious tofu through the sneeze glass. "This one's on me," said Gerald.

Without another word, he reached into the container with a syringe to begin the first series of tests. After about an hour, however, they still had learned nothing about the mysterious tofu, except that their estimations about its deadliness were far too low.

“We’re not finding anything, chief!”, he shouted across the lab at his boss. “It’s a perfectly normal slab of bean curd, chemically speaking.” “25 dead vegans say otherwise!”, sighed the chief, picking up her phone. An hour later, the necromancer and 3 acolytes entered the lab.

The Necromancer's acolytes chanted "undo the tofu" and the 25 dead vegans revived. "Now can YOU tell us what this tofu is?" asked the Chief. The Necromancer simply cackled and ate the tofu himself, then left. The now-undead vegans later sued because they died eating the tofu. END