Scranton in a Handbasket

It was the spookiest day of the year. The creepiest, scariest day. A day filled with ghosts, ghouls, goblins, and groans of despair. The day when horror is born anew and mortals tremble. You know what day I mean.

It was your birthday. Oh no, don't try to run away with your fingers stuck in your ears. All this grueling conflict with the supernatural started exactly when you were born. Or, should I say, was let into this town when you were born.

You are the cause of everything! That’s why I need yo to take The Pill....This will liberate your spirit and the town from all the supernatural occurrences. I know is your decision, but remember this, the oracle said: “You will be earth doom but a Savior at the same time”

I took The Pill, immediately wincing in pain as it rapidly expanded in my stomach. How could something so righteous be so foul? Hours—was it days?—later I woke up and admired my new form. I must have been twice the size of my earthly form. And what should I do with this trident?

The trident glowed. Holding it, I realized that my new body activated it in some way. As if by nature I uttered the words “Nautila activatus!” The trident shot out a stream of energy. When I looked up a carriage had appeared, pulled by a pair of sea horses. “Where to?” They said.

“Scranton!” I replied, suddenly starving for my Bubby’s delicious gfilte fish. I turned to the others triumphantly. “Climb in!” I shouted. “Bubby’s latkes and matzo soup for all!” And we were off for New Jersey, mouths watering, leaving our soggy kingdom and adventures behind.