You’re Only As Good As Your Last Mistake

Monkey pressed the key with a single dot on it. It had used this one regularly over the last few weeks. But now it didn't feel like typing. Monkey looked up. In every direction, as far as it could see, there were others - all with the same keyboard. Suddenly, a siren sounded and

The others faced their keyboards and began typing furiously. All except Monkey. Some would hunt and peck with one finger, others repeatedly pressed ten fingers down in unison, some hammered the keys with fists. Screeches and clacks filled the room. Monkey typed just one line.

Epp qexxiv mw qivipc irivkc gsrhirwih xs e wpsa zmfvexmsr. Ai evi epp sri gsrwgmsywriww ibtivmirgmrk mxwipj wyfnigxmzipc. Xlivi mw rs wygl xlmrk ew hiexl, pmji mw srpc e hvieq erh ai'vi xli mqekmrexmsr sj syvwipziw. -- he would be a free monkey if they managed to decode it...

Hours later, the scientist looked skeptically up from the deciphered note. "'All matter is merely energy condensed to a slow vibration. We are all one consciousness experiencing itself subjectively. There is no such thing as death...' Who's been giving this monkey acid???"

And why the need to encrypt an already cryptic message? Something strange was going on, and the scientist knew that this monkey knew more than it was letting on. “I know you can’t speak,” she said, “but here is a pencil and a notepad. If you can, please draw or write anything you

think to help me understand.” Solemn brown eyes lifted from the pencil to examine her face. The scientist smiled encouragingly. Small wrinkled fingers reached out and the monkey began to draw. Holding her breath, she leaned forward to see what was taking shape on the page. It was

an incredibly lifelike portrait of Allison Janney. "This is amazing", she said, "this monkey has only seen one season of The West Wing, yet look! He's drawing her from memory, better than any mall caricaturist possibly could." One thing was wrong, though:

The portrait made it seem like she was of average height; in reality, she was a glorious 6 feet tall.

She ripped her portrait off the wall with both hands and screamed “I am not that short!” as she punted it out a window.

She started to cry as she stoped off madly. And she turned around and said to them, ... I hate you so much