An app in bloom

Improbably, the asteroid landed dead center in the royal cherry blossom orchard, sending pink petals deep into the atmosphere. On this day, a dynasty was forever changed.

The cloud of cherry blossoms in the upper atmosphere didn’t completely block the sun, but colored all the light pink for the following 8 months. It was called the “cutetasrophe”. All this from an asteroid the size of a rice cooker.

In the immediate aftermath of this kawaiipocalypse, human productivity ground to a halt as everyone posted adorable selfies to Instagram, WhatsApp, WeChat, and even Yelp. Slowly, though, the cherry blossoms began to drift down like gentle snowflakes which was also cute as heck.

That is...until the workaholics came. They somehow managed to survive the cutetastrophe and gained immunity to all the cuteness. But they couldn't reveal it just yet. They were outnumbered and they needed a battle plan to chain humanity to their jobs once and for all! They needed

Cuddles the Kitty. He was semi-retired (after his piano playing meme took off), but knowing the importance of the job he fluffed his fur and went to work. Together with the cuteness-immune workaholics, CK enacted the most dangerous mission yet.

He would deploy his new app onto all mobile stores: the app that would translate human-to-animal speech. With one flick of a paw, cats and dogs the world over would finally be able to communicate with their households. It would be glorious anarchy, and CK couldn’t wait to profit.